Monday, October 18, 2010

Priorities and saying the scary words...

Can't believe it's been a month and a half since my last post. Life has been, to put it in a cliched way, crazy. Not normal, check-things-off-the-list crazy. No, crazy to the point that I'm in the shower reciting different rules related to negligence, opening the refrigerator to find my car keys sitting on the top shelf, and wondering if I can drink milk that expired three days ago. (In case you were wondering, my roommate said as long as it still smells good, we're all good. But I'm wary of expired food in general. Gross.)

Law school has definitely taken its toll on every facet of my life. Case-in-point. I used to get a good, solid 7 hours of sleep every night. Now, I'm averaging about 5 hours. Those extra two hours apparently are responsible for a lot of things. They put you over the edge from "exhaustion" to "rested," they allow your brain to function normally, keep your skin from looking tired/breaking out, allow you to lose weight easier, etc. However, there's no way to carve more sleep time in. Believe me. I've tried.

Working out has been my number one stress reliever. Last week, I did yoga twice instead of normal cardio workouts because I genuinely felt like I needed that 30 minutes of stretching, gratefulness and quiet.

Law school has decreased my workout schedule, and I have definitely noticed it in my weight. Which has not budged. In one month. On the plus side, great, I now know this is great for maintenance. However, I'm not in maintenance mode just yet. I'm still in weight loss mode and have another 30 pounds to go. I know the tools that I use to lose weight. However, there's no way I can work out 6 days a week like I was doing pre-law school. Now, I'm averaging about 4 days a week, with only 1-2 strength training days. I know strength training is key to weight loss.

Finally, law school, in general, has sucked out my motivation for other things. Working full time, going to school part time, and trying to keep face time with the boyfriend while keeping up your workout schedule is a daunting task. I still love exercise, but that extra little push of motivation that gets me out of bed at 5:00 in the morning is gone. I really, really, REALLY want it back. Really.

Up until about 2 weeks ago, I had been doing great, stellar, amazing on my eating. One or two planned off-meals a week, with the rest of the time leaving me full, happy and satisfied. Fast-forward to now. Still eating great, but have emotionally ate twice as of last week. In my POV, there are two ways to be off-plan: (1) seeing a great meal opportunity in the next weekend or couple days, thinking about how nice it will be to eat that meal, relishing it when it comes, and truly enjoying eating just enough to keep you full and (2) mindlessly eating, not sure how you got the food, unsure how much you've already consumed, weren't very hungry to begin with, eat to the point of feeling stuffed.

I know these patterns. I know the ways they get started, how to change them, etc. The question is, why did I end up on the couch late one night after class, stuffing my face with tortillas and queso? I know it'll make me feel overly full and gross afterwards (it did). I know that I will regret eating that food, as much as I know that I never regret an exercise. However, why can't I allow knowing all that to change my actions? No answers. This is a question I've been asking myself for the last 2 weeks. Hopefully soon I'll figure it out.

However, I have made a firm decision to be kind to myself and to quit beating myself up if I don't have time for everything. Law school is tough and I'm still getting my bearings. I love exercise, and I know I can't go for too long without it. I will hopefully try to rely on my healthy habits that have already been established, and stop worrying about trying to squeeze everything in.

Sorry this post was so all over the place. Hence what happens when I don't blog in almost two months.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Falling off the wagon...ok, not really...

I have literally sat in my chair a good dozen times, watching this blinking text line and waiting for the words to pour out of my mouth. My head is full of cool, exciting, wonderful, mindful things that have been happening to me lately...I just haven't been able to spit it out.

I just started law school. And, while the material is hard and it's a very different way of thinking/learning, the most challenging aspect of it is the time management. I'm working full time and going to law school part time. I realized long ago that I would have no life. It plagued me for months, this worrying over balancing the priorities while still trying to maintain my sanity and keep chugging along on this health journey. However, I've stopped worrying (mostly) about it. I have four priorities. From most important to least, they are: school, friends/family/boyfriend, working out, and work. That's it. Nowhere in my priority list does it say I have a priority to watch a gazillion terrible reality TV shows or spend hours on Facebook or organize my shoes or shop. As much as I would like those to be thrown randomly onto the list, there (literally) is just not enough time in the day. And I'm ok with that. It's consistent, I know what to prepare for, I know who/what to make time for, etc.

It finally hit me (almost literally, it was while I was running on the be-u-ti-ful golf course by my apartment which is lined with trees) that I have my WHOLE life to get healthy. I am not in a competition with anyone other than myself. I tend to get caught up in the whole competitive aspect of law school that I have to remember this is NOT a race. This is me, life-styling it up, knowing that I'm in it for the long haul. Therefore, the world is not going to end if I don't lose x amount of pounds in y amount of days. I don't need to be 30 pounds lighter by Christmas. All I can do is continue making great, healthy eating choices which rewards my body for all the hard work it does. I can continue to push my body further physically and allow it to push those boundaries. I can continue to be thankful--no, even more than thankful--forever grateful that my body allows me to do all these cool activities even after all the stress and harm I've done to it these past 23 years. I WILL remember that no one is perfect, life goes on even if you have an off-day of eating or exercise. The mindfulness THAT it's an off day is all that's necessary. I cannot express the switch that clicked in my mind when I made the change of goals from "weight loss" to "fitness." Suddenly, it became way less about "What am I craving right here, right now?" and way more about "How does my body react to this food when I eat it?" Less "Man, I am not feeling the gym today," and more "I always feel so great after a run."

Now, I'm not gonna lie. If you asked me what I ate last weekend, I automatically remember the gelato and amazing margarita pizza I consumed at our local Italian deli. But that was one meal. And, if I'm going to have ice cream and pizza, I want the best. No more of this Domino's crap. I want a handmade, fluffy Italian crust with an explosion of spices and the best pepperoni available. Same with the cup of caramel gelato I shared with boyfriend. Creamy, rich...everything you could ever hope to taste in an ice cream. When you decide that you're only going to eat the best that food has to offer, you stop thinking about those stale birthday cakes or donuts in the break room. And realize that it's ok to really, mindfully enjoy food. Here and now. In the present. And move on. Food will always be there. It's up to you each day to decide what type of food you want to use to nourish your body.

I choose my food as I choose my life. Only the best.

How's your mindfulness going?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Things I Learned While On Vacation...

1. It is very important that I continue to stock my kitchen with healthy foods, fresh veggies, and things that make my body feel good. When I'm faced with loads upon loads of crappy, carb and sugar-heavy foods (can I just note that someone in my family must hate me because they ordered pizza around 12 a.m. two nights on this vacation? I LOVE pizza!), I will inevitably eat some. Not gorge. But eat some.

2. To build on #1, if I do eat those types of things, it affects how my body performs. I was on W5D3 of my Couch to 5k interval training (which is a 5 min warm up, 20 minute run, and 7 min cool down) and I pooped out at 11 minutes. 11 minutes?! Really?! I KNOW I can do better than that. I was so disappointed in myself. Then I remembered the pizza from the night before and the Krispy Kreme donut I had with my bowl of oatmeal the day before. If anything positive came out of that sad, sad run, it was a reinforcement to remind myself how much my eating DOES affect my exercise. And as the focus becomes less about weight loss and more about what my body can do, the desire to eat good-for-me things is more and more tangible.

3. On a positive note, and building on the above two, I realize I have changed from last year. Last year Abbie's diet on vacation looked like a free-for-all. And, although the vacation diet was not as strict as my normal diet, it did include things that I normally eat (i.e., cottage cheese for my snacks, oatmeal as my staple morning breakfast, tuna for lunch, etc.).

So, to sum up, my ego was very much hit this past week, but maybe it needed to be. Here I was, all smug about my consistent weight loss, hitting my first mini weight loss goal. Look at all those losers, struggling with food issues! Not me, I got this! Well, no. I don't "got" this. Not yet. Complacency is how I let myself get this way in the first place. Although my life is about to get dramatically more busy as I start night law school in 3 weeks, I still need to keep exercise and healthy eating in the forefront on my mind. Yes, law school is my first priority, but exercise and healthy eating enable me to be the best law school student I can be.

First 5k is in September, and I'm scared. That's a big step in the exercise things-I-want-to-do checklist. But, I cannot begin to describe how great it felt to run this morning. 2-5 minute runs and 1-8 minute run. Those 5 minute runs are so much easier. The 8 minutes are a lot easier too, although by the 7th minute or so, I'm praying the podcast announcer will announce my time is up. This is such a huge NSV (for those who don't understand the lingo-I didn't either for awhile- NSV = Non-scale victory) for me. To be able to run. Like the dainty, flouncy, runners who make running look so effortless. Can I be one of those runner girls? I know the standard uniform is cute shorts and a sports bra/tank top combo, but can I be a runner too with my too-big t-shirt and sweaty face? Pretty please?

How is everyone's healthy eating/exercise habits coming along? And, by the way, if you ever have ANY doubt, you do most certainly "got" this.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Vacations, boot camps and the like...

So I've been doing boot camp once a week at the gym.

And it's hard.

Like bust-your-butt-super-sweaty-not-sure-I-can-actually-complete-all-the-drills-hard.

But, oddly enough, I finished. I was on the verge of collapse at the end, but, I finished. Which I've always said is the most important part. And, as I was cursing the stupid class and the stupid weights and the stupid lunges that I was currently doing, I caught my reflection in the mirror...and just stared. Who the hell is that girl in the mirror?! The one with determination on her face and clean lines on her body? The one who, although sweating like a pig, was still on the heels of her classmates during the laps around the classroom? Boot camp is a dual-edged sword. On one hand, I look around and am so proud that I can be in the same class and (kind of) keep up with these beautiful, strong, fit people. On the other hand, it's a continuous reminder of how far I still have to go.

I think life is like that though. It's a continuous cycle of doing small (emphasis on small) steps, plugging at it and re-evaluating to see if it's working, how far you have left to go, and if the goals need to be modified. If someone had actually told me how much work this whole losing weight took, I might have quit even before I started. How much gym time, the overhaul of your refrigerator, the mindful eating. It's hard work! I'm not whining, but we're human, and we tend to get overwhelmed easily. However, I know I can have one day of good eating. A week of hardcore working out. A refrigerator filled with clean food that I know will fuel my body so that I can enjoy all the active things I like to do. And, and I completely believe this is the most important thing: I have knowledge. Knowledge of myself, and the way I react to stressful situations (cue eating your emotions). Knowledge of what greasy, fatty food does to my body (cue tummy ache and general feeling of greasy pores/grossness). And, finally, knowledge that one cheat meal is not going to "throw me off the wagon." There's got to be a balance somewhere, and I think I have my whole life to perfect it.

On a side note, I'm starting week 4 of my Couch to 5k interval training tomorrow. I truly believe I can run these stupid intervals, if I could just get over my brain telling me I can't. Someone once wrote on another blog that messages sent from your brain and your body (and vice versa) aren't like im's. They're like USPS. Right before Christmas. It always takes awhile for your body or brain to catch up when the opposite is giving out commands. So, although I wish wish WISH I could just get to the part where I'm a runner, life is good, and I happily zone out on my daily 5 mile runs, I'm just not there yet. It will just take patience (which I hate, but must learn to live with) and a whole lot of practice.

On another side, can I express how stupid-excited I am to be going on vacation this Friday? One week of sand, surf, and family time. And I get to do my week 5 of interval running on the beach! Can't get any better than that. ;o) I've been so excited to run on the beach, and it's just another reminder of how far I've come. Last summer, I don't even think I brought my workout shoes. Even though this is vacation, this is not a free-for-all. Yes, I will enjoy responsibly my intake of good-tasting food and live up every moment of the art of doing nothing, but I'm also looking forward to running with the seagulls flying, playing sand volleyball, maybe taking a surf lesson. Just being active. Being active, for me, is the greatest reminder that I'm alive. My body is not just a decoration. It's a machine. Built to work, and sweat, and move energy, and accomplish.

Hope everyone has fabulous vacations planned as well. I'll be thinking of all of my fellow bloggers as I sit on the beach with a chilled alcoholic beverage and chick flick novel in hand ;o)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Looking up?

There are some days when the world feels like your friend, you've had an awesome day, and nothing can go wrong.

Unfortunately, this is not one of those days.

Today, all I want to do is go curl up in a dark, cool room and sleep. For a very long time. The eating is fine, I've done my normal amount of workouts lately, I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. Too little money, too little time, too many stressors. Normal things that I usually stress about and can handle. Not sure what is changed. Something I can pinpoint is this family mess that I'm currently caught up in. All my life, I've moved around. Had to acclimate myself to new people, locations, make new friends, etc. However, when my mom finally remarried to my stepdad (who I consider my father), the roots were finally put down. I'm extremely loyal to my family and I would seriously do anything for that bunch. Drama is drama. It's always drove me nuts whenever someone says they hate drama. Who likes drama? No one. However, once the fight/drama has occurred, the most important part is how you deal with the drama. Life is friggin' messy! I'm passionate to a fault. I see a lot of things in black and white, but understand there's a whole world of grays in between. However, when people prolong the drama by being (take your pick, I've dealt with them all) petty, spiteful, mean, hateful, vindictive, childish, or all of the above...I don't understand that. Leave that mess on the doorstop. I don't have time to deal with these types of emotions. I'm just barely getting through the day.

So anyway, the family drama has left me in a figurative hole. I'm tired, I'm standing at the bottom of this hole and have no idea how to pull myself out of it.

But back to the weight. Oh, the weight. Actually, I've started to heed my roommate's advice and am only weighing myself once a week. I refuse to be that girl whose mood is dictated by the number on the scale that day. Food is not the enemy. I can eat. I can even eat things that technically won't further my goal. These are called cheats. Speaking of cheats...oh, On the Border tortillas and good friend and enemy. Frenemy perhaps? However, when I did weigh myself, the number displayed a good healthy 203.5. Yes, I realize that's not healthy by anyone's standards. However, considering I was up to almost 225 at my heaviest, I can deal with that. A couple more weeks and I'll be in "onederland," as the bloggers tend to call it. The last time I was in the 100's had to be in high school. Maybe junior high. For me, it's been on the to-do list for way too long and I know once I get in that range, I'm never going back. Even if I have to give up queso.

I don't actually have to do that, right?

Friday, June 4, 2010

Screw you metabolism!!

Is it me, or does it seem like I'm hungry all the time? Since this morning, I had my protein shake, Cheerio's w/strawberries & skim, carrots with the 100 pack guacomole on the side, a Lean Cuisine Panini, a South Beach bar, and some string cheese. Just typing that is tough! And I will be eating again within the next hour. However, it's always crazy to add the calories up (hint: it's not as much as you think; maybe around 1000 or so). I've already lifted weights today, which takes off about 200 calories, and I'm going to spin after work, baby! The best part about spin class is the whole burning off 800 calories an hour thing ;o). It's all a numbers game. As long as my total caloric input/output is in the negative, I lose weight. Usually I aim at around 1,600 calories on a normal day, although my trainer says I can eat up to 2,000 with the amount of time I spend at the gym.

These days, a big motivator for me has been the number on the scale. Almost too much of a motivator. So I'm limiting my weigh-in's to weekly. Too much room for fluctuation throughout the day, and I want to see a steady decrease. My whole day will NOT be ruined by what I see on the scale!

On another note, I'm losing weight in the weirdest places. My wrists?? Fingers? And especially my cleavage. How can one lose almost half a cup-size in 6 months? Sad day. Although, I guess you can't tell your body where to lose weight. But, man! That would be nice. You could just type it in a computer and tell your body, "Ok, it's time to take all the weight off the tummy. Boobs stay an ample 'c', tummy goes flat." Wish it worked that way, but I'll take what I can get.

In case you haven't figured it out, I think this will be a weight-loss blog. It keeps me accountable, and lets me see the patterns in my bad eating/exercise habits. Oh, and regarding the sugar issue I was going to talk about that I mentioned in my previous post!!

Ok, so while I was semi-napping on the couch a few Sundays ago (my favorite Sunday activity, which is actually being replaced by my favorite summer activity, pool volleyball), a Pop-tart commercial came on the television. Oh, Pop-tarts. How I miss the way you pretend to be a breakfast meal even though you're basically a hardened piece of cake in a brightly colored box. The hard candied icing, the gooey cream inside. Yum. That would probably send me into a sugar coma nowadays, but a girl can dream. Anyway, the commercial. Kids on scooters, swimming in the pool, enjoying their summer activities, doing random summer-related things and...parents passing out a Pop-tart ice cream sandwich?!? No, I kid you not. Two Pop-tarts as the "bread," and a big ol' hunk of ice cream in the middle. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, POP-TART?? Do you realize that it's because of this type of marketing that the children of America are obese? I felt like getting up off the couch right there and drafting an angry letter to Pop-tart's parent corporation (Kellogg's? General Mills?? who knows) blasting them for their use of manipulative marketing schemes in order to sell their goods. I hate to compare the two, but it's a bit like the outrage when the Joe Camel company used brightly colored packaging to market their cancer-sticks to teenagers. Why is that not acceptable but Pop-tart can continue their television advertising? Of course cigarettes and nicotine is bad for you, but sugar can be just as harmful. Over intake of sugar causes diabetes, obesity, there have been links to certain types of cancer...the list goes on and on. Sugar is fine in moderation, but this type of marketing makes kids think this is okay. Hey, Pop-tart commercials say, this is an everyday type of breakfast food. That moms approve of. Kids like them. And they're easy to dish out. But it doesn't mention the broader issue that anything that chock-full of sugar (around 70 grams per two Pop-tarts) should not be something you eat daily, especially to kick off your day. And commercials telling you otherwise are fraudulent and misleading. *stepping off soapbox*

On that note, it's snack time. ;o)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm NOT dieting!!

Ok, haven't mentioned it yet because I'm not sure that I want to turn this into a weight loss blog. However, weight loss/healthy eating has become a large part of my life, and didn't want to just ignore something that I deal with everyday.

I've never been the skinniest person. I've never considered myself thin. I'm always the bridesmaid that secretly is wondering what size she'll have to wear for her bridesmaid dress...or, worse...if the dress even comes in her size. Although the pool doesn't bother me that much, there is more than your normal amount of self-consciousness that accompanies me whenever I trot down there in a swimsuit.

I've always considered myself the fat girl. Stationary, unchanging. I thought I would always be "that" girl. The girl that's the biggest among her group of friends. The one that can't swap clothes or borrow them from her girlfriends because they don't fit. Yes, I realize everyone's bodies are different and women come in all different sizes. Still. I'm sure the woman reading this blog (if anyone is??) understand where I'm coming from.

However, something clicked for me at the beginning of this year. I think it came from a few different things. 1) I'm about to start law school. A fresh start in all sense of the phrase. 2) I'm (finally) moving on from the past two relationships that have followed me around for a better portion of the past year. No more crying, no more what if's. No more thinking I'm not good enough. 3) I have a crazy-fit roommate that keeps me accountable.

Due to all three of those things, I finally just sucked it up and said the scary words. I want to be thin. I want to be strong. I want to be able to run 3 miles and not be out of breath (training for a 5k this fall). I want to look normal when my picture is taken with a group of friends. I want to feel healthy, have energy and stop feeling so tired all the time. So, I finally committed to it. Joined the gym, got a trainer, and started shaping up my eating. And...

It's not so hard. Shh, don't tell anyone I let you in on the secret. It was hard at first. The cravings came like crazy and I, a self-proclaimed sweet-aholic, took my time in learning to resist the urge to have a piece of cake. Or stop by McDonald's on the way home for dinner. Or get out of bed and hit the gym in the morning when all I want to do is hit the snooze button on my iPhone and fall back into glorious slumber.

Fast-forward about 5 months later. My entire outlook on eating, exercise - actually, my life - has changed. Instead of allowing eating to compensate or make me "feel better" about something (I am/was a big-time emotional eater), I look at food as a way to fuel my body and allow me to do other fun, non food-related things. Food is not evil. Food gives you energy and helps your body to survive. That's all you need it for. Granted, there are some times that I want (and have) things that I know will make me feel sluggish, or greasy, or just crappy in general. And I call these meals 'cheat meals.' Totally normal to indulge every once in awhile. This outlook takes you from the "diet" mentality to the "lifestyle" mentality. This healthy eating thing won't stop when I reach my goal size. I'm in it for life.

As for exercise, it's still hard to get out of bed in the mornings and do my weight training or cardio, depending on the day. However, instead of calling this day a wash and telling myself I'll start all over tomorrow (while stuffing my face with bad food), I know that I always can make time after work to go to the gym. The gym is the place I go to when I feel stressed, or sluggish. People know me there, from seeing my sweaty face all the time. I have a group that I feel accountable to. My roommate, my trainer, girls I exercise with and, most importantly, myself. These people all count on me to make good exercise choices. Plus, exercise is fun! Well, some exercise is torture, but you cannot beat the high that you feel when it's over and you're all sweaty and you know a shower awaits you. However, I genuinely look forward to exercising after work now. It's nice to know there's a place I can go where I plug in my headphones, don't have to answer to anyone, and can just scoot it out on the treadmill/crosstrainer/stairmaster (depending on the day). It's a nice transition from work to home, and I love it.

And, if you want to "cut-to-the-chase," as people say, I've lost weight. Enough to know I'm finally, FINALLY doing something right.

I feel bad for neglecting this portion of the blog post. My original intent was to talk about the prevalence of sugar and the marketing of it in our culture. But the back story is so important!! There must be a part 'a' before there's a 'b'. And I probably should get off the computer and go live my actual life now. ;o)

Part 2 to follow.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Best days of your life...

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night, and it's just too bad you've already had the best days, the best days of your life...

Ok, first of all, no judgment please. Yes, I know this is sung by Kellie Pickler, who made it to the top 10 on that little-known show called American Idol. Yes, I realize she is a stereotype. For those unfamiliar with her, she's blonde, bubbly, and was credited as being pitchy during her stint on AI. However, with all of that said, I love this song. I recently loaded some new workout music on my iPhone, and I guess I accidentally loaded that song on my playlist as well. As I'm cursing each step I take on the Stairmaster this morning at the gym (I believe this machine was designed with the sole purpose of torture for its users, by the way), the bubbly song "Best Days of Your Life" came on and took me by surprise. Wait, this is not my normal pseudo-hip-hop that lurks in the workout playlists!! But it completely revved me up to finish those last five minutes! God bless you, Kellie Pickler.

It also got me thinking. In this song, she's a woman scorned, boyfriend cheated, yadda yadda. When thinking about my own relationships and especially the most recent one, I do remember that I was happy...for the most part. And, the one thing I did learn from my first "serious" relationship was how to live in the moment. Anyone that knows me knows I'm a planner. I plan my days far, far in advance. I have my Outlook calendar at work and my social calendar on my iPhone (I should really sync those up...might help). My life is broken down usually in about half-hour increments. Gym, shower, breakfast, get ready for work, work, work, work (it deserves more type you see...stupid thing I have to do to earn a living), possibly more gym, dinner, chores, social catching up and what-not, and bed. (Side note - attorney time is billed in increments of 1/10. For those not good in math, that's 6 minutes! This means you have to account for every 6 minutes of your time spent in order to legally bill a client. Craziness. Blows my mind.) However, relationships just taught me to enjoy the moment without always wishing my life away or looking ahead. Enjoy that lazy Sunday in bed, take a few hours and watch some mindless TV. I never said those were the best days of my life, per se, because I believe there is always something bigger and better to come, but those were some good days. Days that I just enjoyed being. Life is too short not to enjoy those moments as they come.

Non-relationship speaking, there are days that I can close my eyes and be instantly taken back. The last good day I can really remember is my last family vacation. We made a halfway stop in Atlanta on our way to Myrtle Beach and got lost looking for a Wells Fargo ATM. Go figure. And, of course, I was driving. I will be the first to admit my family is loud. On a good day, you only have to raise your voice a little bit to be heard over the dog, the 6 year old, the teenagers and the ever-constant persistent voice of Spongebob on the tube. However, that Atlanta day was perfect. On top of getting lost. And being in a strange city. There were no timelines, no phone calls and it was a beautiful sunny day. Our family chuckled, giggled, guffawed and every other synonym out there for laughed. We made inside jokes, told outlandish stories, and in general grew a little bit closer as a family. I bring that day out for special occasions. That was a rare day in that I knew it was good as I was living it.

Label these days! Pull that mess out! My friends and I have a running joke about my "fabulous" hair. One day, I remarked offhandedly that I was having a "fabulous hair day" at a friend's wedding shower. In my defense, it was straight and bobbed and looking pretty fabulous ;o). Mind you, this was almost two years ago. To this day, I am still not able to live that down. I get Facebook messages, texts, etc. Eh, oh well. It's a great inside joke, and a reminder that it's ok to live in the moment sometime. If Miss Type-A planner (as my mama calls me) can, anyone can!

Including Kellie Pickler :o)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

heart? stylish? pfft...

Let me tell you, there is nothing scarier than sitting at the computer with a blank screen staring you in the face. Couple that with the forever flickering text line, and I could gaze aimlessly at the computer all day. Warning, warning! This does not equal good times in the whole productivity/I-should-be-working sort of thing.

However, I guess I shall explain the blog title. An ex-boyfriend used to call me "pretty pretty princess." And not in a good way. In the can't-leave-the-house-without-the-appropriate-outfit way. He was always teasing me about being too much in control, about worrying over the little things, worrying over first/last impressions, etc. Of course, now I see that he was an insecure jerk who really needed to be nicer to his then-current girlfriend, but that's always stuck with me. Because I don't see myself that way. Granted, after a bout in high school that I will refer to as the "frizzy days" (insecurity paired with frizzy hair and no idea of how to look put together), I have changed. I work at somewhere where I need to be presentable everyday. If not a suit, at least business casual. I put a lot of thought into how I am presented to others; I'm going to law school - it's kind of a necessary thing. I long ago befriended a hair straightener and my face has (finally) cleared up.

But that's just the physical aspect. College, heartbreak, my relationship with God, friendships beginning/ending, etc. have changed all of the inside stuff. I know I'm stronger than I was in high school. Not just physically-although my trainer at the gym would make me do extra squats for not throwing that in-but emotionally. Mentally. I've worked very hard for the foundation to my life, and I will fight to keep that foundation strong and healthy. I love deeply, and I give my all to relationships before throwing in the towel. I keep a fierce hold on my family and friends which mean the most to me. I've learned to let go of people who desired to be let go, and to stop trying to change people that sought to stay the same. Sometimes you do your best and it still comes up short. There will be days when you're late for work, you have a flat tire, you spill your water bottle all over the papers on your desk (this particular one happened to be me this morning). And sometimes, there are those moments which you will look back on for years to come, pull out when you are having a horrible day, and they will make you smile.

Anyway. Blog title, right. Did I mention I'm random and tend to go off into tangents? To me, having a stylish heart is doing everything 100%. Love fully. Take risks. Don't be afraid to do something that seems way out of your limits and comfort zone (hello! I will be entering law school this fall!) Never let a past failure dictate how you live your life (still working on this one). Accept your mistakes (this one too). Better yet, learn from them. Don't be afraid to be silly, ask questions, cry, wallow (a good wallow day can cure just about anything). Set goals, small and big. A stylish heart is 95% on the inside and 5% on the outside. (Because, let's be realistic. I do like to feel pretty every once in awhile.)

So, ex-boyfriend, here's looking at you. You can call me pretty pretty princess all you want. I've got the stylish heart to back it up.