Wednesday, May 26, 2010

heart? stylish? pfft...

Let me tell you, there is nothing scarier than sitting at the computer with a blank screen staring you in the face. Couple that with the forever flickering text line, and I could gaze aimlessly at the computer all day. Warning, warning! This does not equal good times in the whole productivity/I-should-be-working sort of thing.

However, I guess I shall explain the blog title. An ex-boyfriend used to call me "pretty pretty princess." And not in a good way. In the can't-leave-the-house-without-the-appropriate-outfit way. He was always teasing me about being too much in control, about worrying over the little things, worrying over first/last impressions, etc. Of course, now I see that he was an insecure jerk who really needed to be nicer to his then-current girlfriend, but that's always stuck with me. Because I don't see myself that way. Granted, after a bout in high school that I will refer to as the "frizzy days" (insecurity paired with frizzy hair and no idea of how to look put together), I have changed. I work at somewhere where I need to be presentable everyday. If not a suit, at least business casual. I put a lot of thought into how I am presented to others; I'm going to law school - it's kind of a necessary thing. I long ago befriended a hair straightener and my face has (finally) cleared up.

But that's just the physical aspect. College, heartbreak, my relationship with God, friendships beginning/ending, etc. have changed all of the inside stuff. I know I'm stronger than I was in high school. Not just physically-although my trainer at the gym would make me do extra squats for not throwing that in-but emotionally. Mentally. I've worked very hard for the foundation to my life, and I will fight to keep that foundation strong and healthy. I love deeply, and I give my all to relationships before throwing in the towel. I keep a fierce hold on my family and friends which mean the most to me. I've learned to let go of people who desired to be let go, and to stop trying to change people that sought to stay the same. Sometimes you do your best and it still comes up short. There will be days when you're late for work, you have a flat tire, you spill your water bottle all over the papers on your desk (this particular one happened to be me this morning). And sometimes, there are those moments which you will look back on for years to come, pull out when you are having a horrible day, and they will make you smile.

Anyway. Blog title, right. Did I mention I'm random and tend to go off into tangents? To me, having a stylish heart is doing everything 100%. Love fully. Take risks. Don't be afraid to do something that seems way out of your limits and comfort zone (hello! I will be entering law school this fall!) Never let a past failure dictate how you live your life (still working on this one). Accept your mistakes (this one too). Better yet, learn from them. Don't be afraid to be silly, ask questions, cry, wallow (a good wallow day can cure just about anything). Set goals, small and big. A stylish heart is 95% on the inside and 5% on the outside. (Because, let's be realistic. I do like to feel pretty every once in awhile.)

So, ex-boyfriend, here's looking at you. You can call me pretty pretty princess all you want. I've got the stylish heart to back it up.

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