Looking up?

There are some days when the world feels like your friend, you've had an awesome day, and nothing can go wrong.

Unfortunately, this is not one of those days.

Today, all I want to do is go curl up in a dark, cool room and sleep. For a very long time. The eating is fine, I've done my normal amount of workouts lately, I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. Too little money, too little time, too many stressors. Normal things that I usually stress about and can handle. Not sure what is changed. Something I can pinpoint is this family mess that I'm currently caught up in. All my life, I've moved around. Had to acclimate myself to new people, locations, make new friends, etc. However, when my mom finally remarried to my stepdad (who I consider my father), the roots were finally put down. I'm extremely loyal to my family and I would seriously do anything for that bunch. Drama is drama. It's always drove me nuts whenever someone says they hate drama. Who likes drama? No one. However, once the fight/drama has occurred, the most important part is how you deal with the drama. Life is friggin' messy! I'm passionate to a fault. I see a lot of things in black and white, but understand there's a whole world of grays in between. However, when people prolong the drama by being (take your pick, I've dealt with them all) petty, spiteful, mean, hateful, vindictive, childish, or all of the above...I don't understand that. Leave that mess on the doorstop. I don't have time to deal with these types of emotions. I'm just barely getting through the day.

So anyway, the family drama has left me in a figurative hole. I'm tired, I'm standing at the bottom of this hole and have no idea how to pull myself out of it.

But back to the weight. Oh, the weight. Actually, I've started to heed my roommate's advice and am only weighing myself once a week. I refuse to be that girl whose mood is dictated by the number on the scale that day. Food is not the enemy. I can eat. I can even eat things that technically won't further my goal. These are called cheats. Speaking of cheats...oh, On the Border tortillas and queso...my good friend and enemy. Frenemy perhaps? However, when I did weigh myself, the number displayed a good healthy 203.5. Yes, I realize that's not healthy by anyone's standards. However, considering I was up to almost 225 at my heaviest, I can deal with that. A couple more weeks and I'll be in "onederland," as the bloggers tend to call it. The last time I was in the 100's had to be in high school. Maybe junior high. For me, it's been on the to-do list for way too long and I know once I get in that range, I'm never going back. Even if I have to give up queso.

I don't actually have to do that, right?

Screw you metabolism!!

Is it me, or does it seem like I'm hungry all the time? Since this morning, I had my protein shake, Cheerio's w/strawberries & skim, carrots with the 100 pack guacomole on the side, a Lean Cuisine Panini, a South Beach bar, and some string cheese. Just typing that is tough! And I will be eating again within the next hour. However, it's always crazy to add the calories up (hint: it's not as much as you think; maybe around 1000 or so). I've already lifted weights today, which takes off about 200 calories, and I'm going to spin after work, baby! The best part about spin class is the whole burning off 800 calories an hour thing ;o). It's all a numbers game. As long as my total caloric input/output is in the negative, I lose weight. Usually I aim at around 1,600 calories on a normal day, although my trainer says I can eat up to 2,000 with the amount of time I spend at the gym.

These days, a big motivator for me has been the number on the scale. Almost too much of a motivator. So I'm limiting my weigh-in's to weekly. Too much room for fluctuation throughout the day, and I want to see a steady decrease. My whole day will NOT be ruined by what I see on the scale!

On another note, I'm losing weight in the weirdest places. My wrists?? Fingers? And especially my cleavage. How can one lose almost half a cup-size in 6 months? Sad day. Although, I guess you can't tell your body where to lose weight. But, man! That would be nice. You could just type it in a computer and tell your body, "Ok, it's time to take all the weight off the tummy. Boobs stay an ample 'c', tummy goes flat." Wish it worked that way, but I'll take what I can get.

In case you haven't figured it out, I think this will be a weight-loss blog. It keeps me accountable, and lets me see the patterns in my bad eating/exercise habits. Oh, and regarding the sugar issue I was going to talk about that I mentioned in my previous post!!

Ok, so while I was semi-napping on the couch a few Sundays ago (my favorite Sunday activity, which is actually being replaced by my favorite summer activity, pool volleyball), a Pop-tart commercial came on the television. Oh, Pop-tarts. How I miss the way you pretend to be a breakfast meal even though you're basically a hardened piece of cake in a brightly colored box. The hard candied icing, the gooey cream inside. Yum. That would probably send me into a sugar coma nowadays, but a girl can dream. Anyway, the commercial. Kids on scooters, swimming in the pool, enjoying their summer activities, doing random summer-related things and...parents passing out a Pop-tart ice cream sandwich?!? No, I kid you not. Two Pop-tarts as the "bread," and a big ol' hunk of ice cream in the middle. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, POP-TART?? Do you realize that it's because of this type of marketing that the children of America are obese? I felt like getting up off the couch right there and drafting an angry letter to Pop-tart's parent corporation (Kellogg's? General Mills?? who knows) blasting them for their use of manipulative marketing schemes in order to sell their goods. I hate to compare the two, but it's a bit like the outrage when the Joe Camel company used brightly colored packaging to market their cancer-sticks to teenagers. Why is that not acceptable but Pop-tart can continue their television advertising? Of course cigarettes and nicotine is bad for you, but sugar can be just as harmful. Over intake of sugar causes diabetes, obesity, there have been links to certain types of cancer...the list goes on and on. Sugar is fine in moderation, but this type of marketing makes kids think this is okay. Hey, Pop-tart commercials say, this is an everyday type of breakfast food. That moms approve of. Kids like them. And they're easy to dish out. But it doesn't mention the broader issue that anything that chock-full of sugar (around 70 grams per two Pop-tarts) should not be something you eat daily, especially to kick off your day. And commercials telling you otherwise are fraudulent and misleading. *stepping off soapbox*

On that note, it's snack time. ;o)

I'm NOT dieting!!

Ok, haven't mentioned it yet because I'm not sure that I want to turn this into a weight loss blog. However, weight loss/healthy eating has become a large part of my life, and didn't want to just ignore something that I deal with everyday.

I've never been the skinniest person. I've never considered myself thin. I'm always the bridesmaid that secretly is wondering what size she'll have to wear for her bridesmaid dress...or, worse...if the dress even comes in her size. Although the pool doesn't bother me that much, there is more than your normal amount of self-consciousness that accompanies me whenever I trot down there in a swimsuit.

I've always considered myself the fat girl. Stationary, unchanging. I thought I would always be "that" girl. The girl that's the biggest among her group of friends. The one that can't swap clothes or borrow them from her girlfriends because they don't fit. Yes, I realize everyone's bodies are different and women come in all different sizes. Still. I'm sure the woman reading this blog (if anyone is??) understand where I'm coming from.

However, something clicked for me at the beginning of this year. I think it came from a few different things. 1) I'm about to start law school. A fresh start in all sense of the phrase. 2) I'm (finally) moving on from the past two relationships that have followed me around for a better portion of the past year. No more crying, no more what if's. No more thinking I'm not good enough. 3) I have a crazy-fit roommate that keeps me accountable.

Due to all three of those things, I finally just sucked it up and said the scary words. I want to be thin. I want to be strong. I want to be able to run 3 miles and not be out of breath (training for a 5k this fall). I want to look normal when my picture is taken with a group of friends. I want to feel healthy, have energy and stop feeling so tired all the time. So, I finally committed to it. Joined the gym, got a trainer, and started shaping up my eating. And...

It's not so hard. Shh, don't tell anyone I let you in on the secret. It was hard at first. The cravings came like crazy and I, a self-proclaimed sweet-aholic, took my time in learning to resist the urge to have a piece of cake. Or stop by McDonald's on the way home for dinner. Or get out of bed and hit the gym in the morning when all I want to do is hit the snooze button on my iPhone and fall back into glorious slumber.

Fast-forward about 5 months later. My entire outlook on eating, exercise - actually, my life - has changed. Instead of allowing eating to compensate or make me "feel better" about something (I am/was a big-time emotional eater), I look at food as a way to fuel my body and allow me to do other fun, non food-related things. Food is not evil. Food gives you energy and helps your body to survive. That's all you need it for. Granted, there are some times that I want (and have) things that I know will make me feel sluggish, or greasy, or just crappy in general. And I call these meals 'cheat meals.' Totally normal to indulge every once in awhile. This outlook takes you from the "diet" mentality to the "lifestyle" mentality. This healthy eating thing won't stop when I reach my goal size. I'm in it for life.

As for exercise, it's still hard to get out of bed in the mornings and do my weight training or cardio, depending on the day. However, instead of calling this day a wash and telling myself I'll start all over tomorrow (while stuffing my face with bad food), I know that I always can make time after work to go to the gym. The gym is the place I go to when I feel stressed, or sluggish. People know me there, from seeing my sweaty face all the time. I have a group that I feel accountable to. My roommate, my trainer, girls I exercise with and, most importantly, myself. These people all count on me to make good exercise choices. Plus, exercise is fun! Well, some exercise is torture, but you cannot beat the high that you feel when it's over and you're all sweaty and you know a shower awaits you. However, I genuinely look forward to exercising after work now. It's nice to know there's a place I can go where I plug in my headphones, don't have to answer to anyone, and can just scoot it out on the treadmill/crosstrainer/stairmaster (depending on the day). It's a nice transition from work to home, and I love it.

And, if you want to "cut-to-the-chase," as people say, I've lost weight. Enough to know I'm finally, FINALLY doing something right.

I feel bad for neglecting this portion of the blog post. My original intent was to talk about the prevalence of sugar and the marketing of it in our culture. But the back story is so important!! There must be a part 'a' before there's a 'b'. And I probably should get off the computer and go live my actual life now. ;o)

Part 2 to follow.