Priorities and saying the scary words...

Can't believe it's been a month and a half since my last post. Life has been, to put it in a cliched way, crazy. Not normal, check-things-off-the-list crazy. No, crazy to the point that I'm in the shower reciting different rules related to negligence, opening the refrigerator to find my car keys sitting on the top shelf, and wondering if I can drink milk that expired three days ago. (In case you were wondering, my roommate said as long as it still smells good, we're all good. But I'm wary of expired food in general. Gross.)

Law school has definitely taken its toll on every facet of my life. Case-in-point. I used to get a good, solid 7 hours of sleep every night. Now, I'm averaging about 5 hours. Those extra two hours apparently are responsible for a lot of things. They put you over the edge from "exhaustion" to "rested," they allow your brain to function normally, keep your skin from looking tired/breaking out, allow you to lose weight easier, etc. However, there's no way to carve more sleep time in. Believe me. I've tried.

Working out has been my number one stress reliever. Last week, I did yoga twice instead of normal cardio workouts because I genuinely felt like I needed that 30 minutes of stretching, gratefulness and quiet.

Law school has decreased my workout schedule, and I have definitely noticed it in my weight. Which has not budged. In one month. On the plus side, great, I now know this is great for maintenance. However, I'm not in maintenance mode just yet. I'm still in weight loss mode and have another 30 pounds to go. I know the tools that I use to lose weight. However, there's no way I can work out 6 days a week like I was doing pre-law school. Now, I'm averaging about 4 days a week, with only 1-2 strength training days. I know strength training is key to weight loss.

Finally, law school, in general, has sucked out my motivation for other things. Working full time, going to school part time, and trying to keep face time with the boyfriend while keeping up your workout schedule is a daunting task. I still love exercise, but that extra little push of motivation that gets me out of bed at 5:00 in the morning is gone. I really, really, REALLY want it back. Really.

Up until about 2 weeks ago, I had been doing great, stellar, amazing on my eating. One or two planned off-meals a week, with the rest of the time leaving me full, happy and satisfied. Fast-forward to now. Still eating great, but have emotionally ate twice as of last week. In my POV, there are two ways to be off-plan: (1) seeing a great meal opportunity in the next weekend or couple days, thinking about how nice it will be to eat that meal, relishing it when it comes, and truly enjoying eating just enough to keep you full and (2) mindlessly eating, not sure how you got the food, unsure how much you've already consumed, weren't very hungry to begin with, eat to the point of feeling stuffed.

I know these patterns. I know the ways they get started, how to change them, etc. The question is, why did I end up on the couch late one night after class, stuffing my face with tortillas and queso? I know it'll make me feel overly full and gross afterwards (it did). I know that I will regret eating that food, as much as I know that I never regret an exercise. However, why can't I allow knowing all that to change my actions? No answers. This is a question I've been asking myself for the last 2 weeks. Hopefully soon I'll figure it out.

However, I have made a firm decision to be kind to myself and to quit beating myself up if I don't have time for everything. Law school is tough and I'm still getting my bearings. I love exercise, and I know I can't go for too long without it. I will hopefully try to rely on my healthy habits that have already been established, and stop worrying about trying to squeeze everything in.

Sorry this post was so all over the place. Hence what happens when I don't blog in almost two months.

Falling off the wagon...ok, not really...

I have literally sat in my chair a good dozen times, watching this blinking text line and waiting for the words to pour out of my mouth. My head is full of cool, exciting, wonderful, mindful things that have been happening to me lately...I just haven't been able to spit it out.

I just started law school. And, while the material is hard and it's a very different way of thinking/learning, the most challenging aspect of it is the time management. I'm working full time and going to law school part time. I realized long ago that I would have no life. It plagued me for months, this worrying over balancing the priorities while still trying to maintain my sanity and keep chugging along on this health journey. However, I've stopped worrying (mostly) about it. I have four priorities. From most important to least, they are: school, friends/family/boyfriend, working out, and work. That's it. Nowhere in my priority list does it say I have a priority to watch a gazillion terrible reality TV shows or spend hours on Facebook or organize my shoes or shop. As much as I would like those to be thrown randomly onto the list, there (literally) is just not enough time in the day. And I'm ok with that. It's consistent, I know what to prepare for, I know who/what to make time for, etc.

It finally hit me (almost literally, it was while I was running on the be-u-ti-ful golf course by my apartment which is lined with trees) that I have my WHOLE life to get healthy. I am not in a competition with anyone other than myself. I tend to get caught up in the whole competitive aspect of law school that I have to remember this is NOT a race. This is me, life-styling it up, knowing that I'm in it for the long haul. Therefore, the world is not going to end if I don't lose x amount of pounds in y amount of days. I don't need to be 30 pounds lighter by Christmas. All I can do is continue making great, healthy eating choices which rewards my body for all the hard work it does. I can continue to push my body further physically and allow it to push those boundaries. I can continue to be thankful--no, even more than thankful--forever grateful that my body allows me to do all these cool activities even after all the stress and harm I've done to it these past 23 years. I WILL remember that no one is perfect, life goes on even if you have an off-day of eating or exercise. The mindfulness THAT it's an off day is all that's necessary. I cannot express the switch that clicked in my mind when I made the change of goals from "weight loss" to "fitness." Suddenly, it became way less about "What am I craving right here, right now?" and way more about "How does my body react to this food when I eat it?" Less "Man, I am not feeling the gym today," and more "I always feel so great after a run."

Now, I'm not gonna lie. If you asked me what I ate last weekend, I automatically remember the gelato and amazing margarita pizza I consumed at our local Italian deli. But that was one meal. And, if I'm going to have ice cream and pizza, I want the best. No more of this Domino's crap. I want a handmade, fluffy Italian crust with an explosion of spices and the best pepperoni available. Same with the cup of caramel gelato I shared with boyfriend. Creamy, rich...everything you could ever hope to taste in an ice cream. When you decide that you're only going to eat the best that food has to offer, you stop thinking about those stale birthday cakes or donuts in the break room. And realize that it's ok to really, mindfully enjoy food. Here and now. In the present. And move on. Food will always be there. It's up to you each day to decide what type of food you want to use to nourish your body.

I choose my food as I choose my life. Only the best.

How's your mindfulness going?